Breathe.
Wow. Where do I start. Seriously, having been through all that shit and still have this much faith, I truly amaze myself sometimes. *covers face*
Reading and hearing every single advices, it made me think so hard. I am not gonna start explaining myself here, but rather spend some extra time (because you guys did that, for me) to actually pen down what I truly feel and how I got to this point.
No matter how much I try to NOT get too emotional, (it can kill you, you know?) it all comes down to misunderstandings.
One, when two complete strangers meet, they will never have the same upbringings, same childhood experience and whatnot. You cannot expect someone to "click" and adhere to whatever you have in life.
Two, I came into this relationship, fully knowing, FROM THE START, that it will be hard. But you can never foresee how much hardship you will go through, yes? Yea, I am a strong girl woman *ahem* and this shield (read: bella's power, heh) that I have, it's always been my personality. My late father taught me that. Something I can never explain how or why. It's something I give out, to my friends, my family even. So no matter how emo (T_T) I get, I will always pucker up, wipe the silly tears and look forward to what is gonna happen.
But never once, did I give up that little little hope in me, still fighting to start back the flame. It is burning, still going on strong. That nudge, the painful tug at the heart. The one that made me.... stay.
I've said this before, I am not gonna even try to speak up for Aidil, because hey, whatever he has done to me, to this relationship, has all been DONE AND OVER WITH. I might get alil jealous here and there, feel alil bit torn over the fact that his past will NEVER be what I want the man of my dreams to be. God knows, (maybe Veeya & Nadya Darla knows too) how much I've cried, just because of his past.
Oh trust me, whatever you can think of, what happened and all, yep, been there done that.
*rolls eyes*
And this whole thing, has gotta be the most hardest path I've ever taken. But I have never, and will NEVER give up on that little amount of faith that I have. You know what they say, you can't change a man. But you can try though, I think. *winces*
For what happened, it was partly my fault, (I repeat, I am NOT tryna claim and speak up for what Aidil did wrong) because I did let things slip. I made accusations solely based on what I think would happen, and therefore, the angst in me took control and I let myself drown in all the what-if(s) and never once have I decided to talk to Aidil or just let him know how much it's hurting me.
I am a more physical person. If I wanted something, I'd say it out. Like if I was really angry over some depressing dream, I would wanna call Aidil the minute I woke up from the nightmare, no matter how late it was. (and whenever I hear the phone ringing, my mind will play around with reasons and hang up, only to find myself texting him, to point out how much I miss him. The cycle is vicious, I know) Like, if ever I felt sad about some random stuff, I would run over and want Aidil to hear me. Yes, I am like that. So.. childish perhaps? I love to run to my friends and seek advices from them, the feeling I get will be similar to running away from the stressful experience. I look forward to bitching about my relationship and take in the reality checks.
Aidil is.. well, he is just the opposite of me. He tends to see from afar, treats the situation as it is, and only opening up when he sees that the line has been crossed. He prefers to listen and when it does get kinda overwhelming, he will pour out his emotions to me. Whenever I do come crying to him about something silly, he would open his arms out, hugs me and just lets me do my weeping. And it feels so good. I get high on him just like this.
If ever you get a chance to bump into us, you will see that Aidil will always be the silent one. Me? Yea, the happy excited hyper one, that's me. Heh. Aidil is what I call my happy pill. He's not perfect, neither am I. BUT. he makes me happy. So I don't fucking care about his ignorant mother (soon to be mother-in-law wtf!) because I am in this for Aidil. For him.
On the times where he DID treat me wrong though, let's just say, I'm a very forgiving person. I mean, nobody ever knows what is gonna happen in the future, so why bother thinking so far ahead and stress yourself out just by thinking, if only if only if only? If ever, *touch wood touch wood choy choy!* Aidil and I were to break up in future for whatever reasons there will be, so be it. I am so gonna stay and try it out for as long as the flame burning in my heart is. I love him that much. And I know, even though he doesn't show his emotions that much, he loves me back.
He likes it that way, just sharing our intimate moments in detail, very privately. When no one is seeing, or hearing, he will show me how much love there is in that body of his.
A quick whisper of 'gua sayang kamu' (in english also can) in my ears.
A playful peck on the cheeks.
A tickle when I least expects it.
A song dedication for me.
A sudden tight grip on my hands.
A kiss when I pretend to sleep in.
And the list just goes on. It always does. But that's mine to keep and enjoy, hor? =P
It doesn't mean he doesn't show it me off. He does, in his own way. He respects me like that.
He knows. He just knows..
And I love him too.
All of him. Excluding the mother of course. Hell!
I wanna stay.
So that explains it.
I hope you guys blow some luck to me after reading this.
Thank you so much for everything. It touched my heart to know I have readers who sincerely care for me. Am honoured, really. THANK YOU TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU.
*blows flying kisses*
I truly believe that if you love someone, give it all out. Whoever said to give just half or equivalent to 50% is stupid. Might as well, don't even bother to try in the first place, right? (and how do you even start to measure how much is that much, duh!) Whatever happens, so be it. At least you know you gave good. *smiles*
Thank you once again. You know, to everyone and whoever you are. Selamat Hari Raya Haji!*hugs*
(a joke between Veeya & Me. hehe..) Labels: This is why I'm hot.
